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True Story: He wanted to marry his brother’s wife as a second wife

This is a true story that I am sharing with permission. It will help you glean wisdom as you relate to it.

My second marriage counselling was at the age of 24, for a couple of a 61-year old man with his 54-year old wife. The couple was at the edge of divorce. Their issues were deep. The man was a reverend for a well respected congregation but within his house were brewing issues that needed immediate help. His wife, out of respect for him and his reputation, decided to seek help from another pastor who was at a distance who did not even know anything about her husband.

The conversations between me and the woman were kept away from the man. We prayed for his heart to become flesh and his soul to be saved from the hook of Satan; Like Jesus prayed for Peter.1

As issues became intense, the couple’s children got affected and divided. It was at this point that the woman asked if she could travel to Lusaka to meet me with her daughter to see how I could help counsel her. This woman’s daughter had slowly began losing respect for her father after seeing a kind of a man he was turning into. He became abusive to his wife and his daughter. Anyone who chose to sympathize with his wife became an enemy regardless of who the person was.

Families had tried to intervene but efforts ended in futility. The man had lost his young brother to death, and after that, he felt it was his obligation to marry the widow to keep his brother’s name alive. The widow was in agreement with this arrangement and wheels started turning. The man began to play the role of husband to the widow and father to the children of his late brother. This devastated his entire family. His wife and children were the most affected as they watched events unfold with disbelief. A marriage of 25 years had hit a mountain it could not see itself survive. As the man turned into a monster to maintain his decision, his wife became a victim of open infidelity and violence. Her family felt that they had soaked their hands into this marriage so deep but in despair. Therefore, they wiped their hands clean to let her make the final decision which they were willing to support.

As believing as love is, the woman could not give up on her marriage even in the midst of physical abuse. But instead, she decided that it was time to invite God’s counsel in her marriage. When she called to ask if she could travel to Lusaka and meet me with her daughter, I asked her to get permission from her husband who turned down her request and accused her of having an affair with me. I had never met this woman before and she only heard about what Jesus was doing in families through me from her friend. After the trip became impossible, I suggested we seek God through prayer and fasting on what would be the way forward. Throughout the three days of prayer and fasting, I guided her with Bible readings. Together, we believed that God would guide on what should be done by the voice of the Holy Spirit.

On the third and last day of our prayer and fasting, she called me to hear what the Holy Spirit had to say. Shockingly, I heard a voice that said, “Tell her to ask her husband to divorce her.” This was backed up by scripture that in the case of infidelity, divorce is acceptable.2 Also with the wisdom that where life is threatened, it is better to divorce for the sake of peace especially if repentance proves to be impossible.3 To this, the woman exclaimed, “Pastor, I hear you. If I did not believe this was from God I would not have accepted but I do and will do as guided”. To be honest, I did not believe I had to send that message. That was not what the woman was hoping for, neither was I. We did not take a fast for three days for a divorce. We hoped to hear some ‘good news’ from the LORD. At that moment, I could not see how that was going to help. However, God had taken care of the circumstance.

When it was night time, the woman broke the news. She asked her husband to divorce her rather than abusing her and subjecting her to emotional torture by bringing in another woman in the house. Her husband, wanting to put up the face of a lion, roared at her without care and promised to start the process of divorce the next day. The woman did not really hope for divorce but had faith in God that whichever way it went, it would be good for her.

The woman narrated that after the short altercation that night, the two pretended to sleep but the night was long and sleep was impossible. The man kept turning the whole night. In the early hours of the morning, the woman got up to go ease herself. As she returned to the room, her husband finally humbled himself and drew her attention. He asked if she was serious about the divorce. In response the woman repeated her words for the previous night. Shockingly, the man knelt down for her, pleading for her forgiveness and a chance to make things right. At this moment, the woman quickly reached out to her Bible and the notes which I had been sharing with her.

Upon seeing the genuineness of our prayer session, the man quickly requested that I get invited to their home to help them reconcile. Surprisingly, I received a call from the woman’s husband introducing himself and asking if I could travel the next day. This was a miracle. After the guidance to request for divorce, the least I expected was a call from the woman’s husband. At the same time, it was such a huge lesson to me on how God’s ways are hard to understand yet when followed, they bring us to a miraculous place.

When I travelled to their town, we had a wonderful time in prayer and counseling. As expected, the man was shocked to see me because he did not imagine that I was that young. But he opened up and confessed how whenever he would be at work he was excited about knocking off to go home but just when he reached the gate of the house, his heart became dark and disgusted. He didn’t understand what was going on. To this I prayed over him and by the power of Jesus Christ the demon that was in him came out. I prayed for his wife and she too had a spirit of bitterness that left her immediately. After being freed from demonic oppression, the couple was open to counseling.

I got the Bible and opened their eyes to what is written concerning marriage and their roles. I then asked them to sincerely reflect on the readings and personally highlight where they had been failing their responsibilities in their individual capacity. Afterwards, they made a renewed commitment to God by keeping the commands and ensuring that the glory of God is reflected in their marriage. Thereafter, I had a session with their children in their presence in which I showed the children what God expected from them. It was such an amazing time with this wonderful family. I saw elated faces filled with rekindled hope and a family that saw the goodness of God.

From then on, I became part of the family. As a Reverend that he was, we exchanged notes and continued to pray together to strengthen each other’s faith.

While there are many lessons to learn here, one that stands out for me is how it is easy to reconcile a couple that knows God, is willing to accept their wrongs and are humbly ready to be counselled together through the word of God. I have encountered impossible couples and usually one spouse is usually not willing to listen to God’s word.

The advantage of God’s word is that it is not biased. When you counsel through the word of God, you take a neutral stance that protects you from being perceived as a biased counselor with a preconceived approach.

One of the observations I have made over the years when counseling couples is that women seek to be favoured and men do not want their ego to be bruised. Therefore, the safest way is to always guide spouses to obeying God’s word. When spouses learn the fear of the LORD, they will love out of obedience to God. This kind of love is not conditioned on what one spouse does but in total reverence for God.

There is no true restoration of marriages without the fear of the LORD and the willingness to keep God’s word. Until we repent and return to the LORD, we can never reach a point of marital bliss. It is only in God that we can find peace and longevity in marriage. Outside God’s word, we can debate and find faults in each other without arriving at any solution.

I have learnt that Marriage is not about who is right in personal capacity but being right with Scripture. It’s not about fulfilling the other spouse’s expectations but fulfilling what God expects from us towards each other as we pursue to have a godly standard marriage.4 The best way to reconcile couples is by first reconciling them with God who is the initiator of the marriage union. Removing the word of God from marriage is the recipe for destruction.

Therefore, let us remember to pray and to preach to couples so that they can come to the saving knowledge of God and become disciples of Jesus Christ. Then shall we see couples that glorify God in everything they do.

  1. Luke 22:31-32 ↩︎
  2. Matthew 5:31-32 ↩︎
  3. 1 Corinthians 7:15 ↩︎
  4. Ephesians 5:21 ↩︎
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Effective Communication; The Marriage Life-Saver

Communication is one of the cornerstones of success in relationships. It is a need if any relationship should thrive. Over the years, this topic has been discussed in many marriage seminars and counselling sessions. The attention it has attracted is justifiable. No relationship can do without communication. Relationships are about exchanging ideas that matter in the course to achieving collective goals. No decision is made in relationships without first agreeing on it. For agreement to be possible, there has to be communication. Not just communication, but effective communication.

Communication can be defined as an exchange of information through a medium. Information can have different content depending on the intention of the sender. The medium of exchange also varies depending on the type of message to be sent and how urgent it is. Both the sender and receiver must be aware of the available communication channels that best suit their type of conversation. When this is done, communication can take place. Communication can either be effective or poor. In order for communication to serve its purpose, it must be effective. Effective communication deploys a number of factors which have been discussed in this article. It also plays a pivotal role in making marriages thrive. Effective communication is learnt and practiced. After reading this article, it will be discovered that most challenges in marriage are due to lack of effective communication.

Effective communication can save any relationship, especially marriages. Communication is very important in marriage. Everyone knows this and understands its irreplaceable value. Marriage is a complex institution whose lifespan is as long as the spouses in it. Because of its length of time, spouses are put to a test in many areas of their endeavors. During dating and courtship stages, pretense and lies can succeed but not in marriage. One cannot pretend and keep lying until death. One day the lies and the true image will be exposed.

Communication is the lifeline of any marriage. Those that have mastered it and used it correctly are enjoying its fruits. A high rate of failed relationships and challenged marriages can attribute that to lack of effective communication. As it will be observed from this discussion, communication stems deeper into the intricate issues of life. In marriage, it is not just the mere relay of messages but feelings and personal information. When mastered, effective communication can eliminate a number of threats that destabilize marriages.

Effective Communication can eliminate suspicions. The life of marriage is long. Oftentimes, spouses encounter awkward moments at an individual level. There are situations which may implicate them in suspicious acts. If not communicated, these situations can cause suspicion in the other partner. It is imperative that spouses learn to communicate regardless of how awkward the situation can be. Suspicions are one the causes of marital problems. They are the doorway to most marital misunderstanding.

Effective Communication prevents misinformation. Any time the truth is not communicated by the right individuals, misinformation is the result. Communication always has an intention depending on who is sending the message. Marriage is sensitive and any information in it is delicate. Where a spouse does not communicate to the other, the information can be distorted and relayed with an ill motive. Most marriages have suffered this occurrence. It is difficult to put oneself on defence if communication is done by a third party. Effective communication can eliminate misunderstanding. Marriages encounter misunderstandings quite often. This issue comes up for a number of reasons in cases where an individual tries to communicate but perhaps omits some details in the message. But when effective communication is learnt and implemented, misunderstandings are minimized. Where there is a barrier in language and interpretation, misunderstanding is often the result. Misunderstanding often springs up when one spouse uses a mode of communication which the other is not familiar with. When this happens, the receiver will interpret the message differently.

If effective communication is learnt and implemented, it has the potential to build trust. There are few marriages that can survive without trust. If at all they even exist. Where there is lack of trust, the gap between spouses begins to grow wide until the marriage is no more. Where effective communication lacks, even a tiny detail can disrupt the flow of trust. There are couples that are challenged because one neglected to communicate with the other. As insignificant as it may seem, negligence in communication can break trust in relationships.

There are factors to consider if communication has to be effective; it has to be open, truthful, verbal, timely and respectful.

Open communication is when partners welcome each other into how they truly feel. It’s no surprise that spouses can keep secrets from each other on how they truly feel about so many issues in marriage. While there are many underlying reasons to this, it should be noted that openness is the major part of intimacy. Openness can bring vulnerability; and that is the fear that many share. Nonetheless, vulnerability is what proves the presence of love. To truly experience love, one has to be open about their weaknesses. Trust without vulnerability is not possible. When spouses love each other, they can share their vulnerability without fear because perfect love has no fear. Where fear for betrayal exists, there can never be perfect love. When spouses love each other, they trust each other with their deep feelings and offer support in areas of weaknesses. Where there is no love, weaknesses are used as a weapon during misunderstandings. When such happens, there can never be trust. Consequently, there would never be intimacy. Open communication is a test for the presence of love. Where spouses find it hard to openly communicate for fear of betrayal, there is no love in that relationship; and there would never be effective communication. Communication creates awareness through transferring information. If the information has to be useful, it must be truthful. It is not enough to transfer information, it has to be truthful. When the truth is hidden, deception is what has been communicated. Honest communication yields honest results. The purpose of communication should not be to mislead but to give the receiver the chance to make informed decisions based on the truth. In marriage, if effective communication should be achieved, it must be honest. It should represent facts as they are. Unfortunately, during disputes, spouses sometimes mislead their mediators to try and dictate the results. The long term effect of dishonest communication is that the same issues resurface from time to time. Where there is no honesty there can never be a lasting solution. Honesty brings helpful solutions which can help spouses introspect and make adjustments where necessary.

Spouses should always communicate verbally not through signals. Especially when offended, signals can either be picked or misunderstood. It is not healthy when spouses deprive each other of verbal communication. Speaking out affirm signals. That’s if spouses still wish to use signals. Until spouses grow to a level where they know each other too well to understand each other’s non-verbal communication, it is advisable that verbal communication remains the first mode of communication. By all means, being physical should be discouraged. Physical abuse is not a mode of communication. It is simply abuse. In some marriages, physical abuse is used as a way of sending a message to the spouse. Regardless of the offense committed, spouses should never resort to being physical with each other. Sometimes, silence is used to try and communicate. This is a form of emotional abuse and mental torture. If spouses are unhappy about anything, they should speak it out. Silence is not part of communication. It is simply that; silence. It leaves the other spouse guessing what message is being communicated. When silence prolongs, matters escalate. Avoiding to discuss matters does not help but makes the situation worser than it should be.

Communication should be timely for it to be effective. Messages are only valid for a certain period of time. Messages lose their essence when not communicated on time. Communication can save lives and prevent human catastrophe. It can also help a couple to seize big investment opportunities. Where messages are timely communicated in marriage, they can help bring order and timely decisions. In homes, decisions are made on a daily basis. In marriage, decisions are not only made on a daily basis but made collectively. Spouses are required to agree on so many matters that concern them and the house. They also agree on matters concerning their future and family affairs. Sometimes spouses don’t have the privilege of being together to make decisions. Therefore, they have to depend on the effectiveness of their communication skills. Where there is physical distance, spouses are put to a test of communicating on time. Imagine a couple that wishes to purchase a property that’s on high demand; if they are not in the same town, whereby only one of them is available to make the purchase, agreeing on the property would require that the spouses appreciate the importance of communicating on time. Information changes with time and if not acted upon on time due to poor communication, golden opportunities can be lost. Timely communication is as important as the message itself.

No matter how spouses feel about any matter of concern, communication should always be done in a respectful manner. When there is no respect, the message is received with emotions. Consequently, the message is overshadowed by emotions. Communication can be done differently depending on who the receiver is. The mode of communication matters. In marriage, spouses should agree on how they should communicate to each other on different matters. There are matters that can be communicated through the phone while others require a face to face talk. Sensitive issues can be misunderstood when communicated through the phone. When spouses know each other’s tone, they add tones to the words as they read each other’s messages. Creating a rather not pleasing situation if the message carries the exchange of words. Sometimes the messages can be received with imaginations that do not necessarily portray the intention of the sender. Communicating feelings should be respectful and done in a sober manner, bearing in mind the relationship that exists with the receiver and what is expected of the sender. Spouses are obligated to respect each other. Therefore, in everything that is done, especially in communication, it should be done respectfully.

Effective communication is the bedrock of any successful relationship. It has the potential to build trust; prevent suspicion, misunderstanding, misinformation and can save a marriage. Spouses should be open, truthful, verbal, timely and respectful in their communication if they are to achieve effective communication. The knowledge that has been shared in this article is tried and tested. Marriage counseling sessions have revealed that the challenges between spouses in marriage usually stem from the lack of effective communication. Therefore, with this knowledge, it is hoped that you – the reader, will benefit much by implementing it.

About the Author

Chilando Kanyanta is a writer and speaker. His themes are Wisdom, Relationships, Purpose and Spiritual Inspiration. He has interests in Mental Health, Family Life, Discipleship and Personal Transformation.

Phone: +260 779 771 477

Email: chilandokanyanta@gmail.com