Tag: Chilando Kanyanta

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Effective Communication; The Marriage Life-Saver

Communication is one of the cornerstones of success in relationships. It is a need if any relationship should thrive. Over the years, this topic has been discussed in many marriage seminars and counselling sessions. The attention it has attracted is justifiable. No relationship can do without communication. Relationships are about exchanging ideas that matter in the course to achieving collective goals. No decision is made in relationships without first agreeing on it. For agreement to be possible, there has to be communication. Not just communication, but effective communication.

Communication can be defined as an exchange of information through a medium. Information can have different content depending on the intention of the sender. The medium of exchange also varies depending on the type of message to be sent and how urgent it is. Both the sender and receiver must be aware of the available communication channels that best suit their type of conversation. When this is done, communication can take place. Communication can either be effective or poor. In order for communication to serve its purpose, it must be effective. Effective communication deploys a number of factors which have been discussed in this article. It also plays a pivotal role in making marriages thrive. Effective communication is learnt and practiced. After reading this article, it will be discovered that most challenges in marriage are due to lack of effective communication.

Effective communication can save any relationship, especially marriages. Communication is very important in marriage. Everyone knows this and understands its irreplaceable value. Marriage is a complex institution whose lifespan is as long as the spouses in it. Because of its length of time, spouses are put to a test in many areas of their endeavors. During dating and courtship stages, pretense and lies can succeed but not in marriage. One cannot pretend and keep lying until death. One day the lies and the true image will be exposed.

Communication is the lifeline of any marriage. Those that have mastered it and used it correctly are enjoying its fruits. A high rate of failed relationships and challenged marriages can attribute that to lack of effective communication. As it will be observed from this discussion, communication stems deeper into the intricate issues of life. In marriage, it is not just the mere relay of messages but feelings and personal information. When mastered, effective communication can eliminate a number of threats that destabilize marriages.

Effective Communication can eliminate suspicions. The life of marriage is long. Oftentimes, spouses encounter awkward moments at an individual level. There are situations which may implicate them in suspicious acts. If not communicated, these situations can cause suspicion in the other partner. It is imperative that spouses learn to communicate regardless of how awkward the situation can be. Suspicions are one the causes of marital problems. They are the doorway to most marital misunderstanding.

Effective Communication prevents misinformation. Any time the truth is not communicated by the right individuals, misinformation is the result. Communication always has an intention depending on who is sending the message. Marriage is sensitive and any information in it is delicate. Where a spouse does not communicate to the other, the information can be distorted and relayed with an ill motive. Most marriages have suffered this occurrence. It is difficult to put oneself on defence if communication is done by a third party. Effective communication can eliminate misunderstanding. Marriages encounter misunderstandings quite often. This issue comes up for a number of reasons in cases where an individual tries to communicate but perhaps omits some details in the message. But when effective communication is learnt and implemented, misunderstandings are minimized. Where there is a barrier in language and interpretation, misunderstanding is often the result. Misunderstanding often springs up when one spouse uses a mode of communication which the other is not familiar with. When this happens, the receiver will interpret the message differently.

If effective communication is learnt and implemented, it has the potential to build trust. There are few marriages that can survive without trust. If at all they even exist. Where there is lack of trust, the gap between spouses begins to grow wide until the marriage is no more. Where effective communication lacks, even a tiny detail can disrupt the flow of trust. There are couples that are challenged because one neglected to communicate with the other. As insignificant as it may seem, negligence in communication can break trust in relationships.

There are factors to consider if communication has to be effective; it has to be open, truthful, verbal, timely and respectful.

Open communication is when partners welcome each other into how they truly feel. It’s no surprise that spouses can keep secrets from each other on how they truly feel about so many issues in marriage. While there are many underlying reasons to this, it should be noted that openness is the major part of intimacy. Openness can bring vulnerability; and that is the fear that many share. Nonetheless, vulnerability is what proves the presence of love. To truly experience love, one has to be open about their weaknesses. Trust without vulnerability is not possible. When spouses love each other, they can share their vulnerability without fear because perfect love has no fear. Where fear for betrayal exists, there can never be perfect love. When spouses love each other, they trust each other with their deep feelings and offer support in areas of weaknesses. Where there is no love, weaknesses are used as a weapon during misunderstandings. When such happens, there can never be trust. Consequently, there would never be intimacy. Open communication is a test for the presence of love. Where spouses find it hard to openly communicate for fear of betrayal, there is no love in that relationship; and there would never be effective communication. Communication creates awareness through transferring information. If the information has to be useful, it must be truthful. It is not enough to transfer information, it has to be truthful. When the truth is hidden, deception is what has been communicated. Honest communication yields honest results. The purpose of communication should not be to mislead but to give the receiver the chance to make informed decisions based on the truth. In marriage, if effective communication should be achieved, it must be honest. It should represent facts as they are. Unfortunately, during disputes, spouses sometimes mislead their mediators to try and dictate the results. The long term effect of dishonest communication is that the same issues resurface from time to time. Where there is no honesty there can never be a lasting solution. Honesty brings helpful solutions which can help spouses introspect and make adjustments where necessary.

Spouses should always communicate verbally not through signals. Especially when offended, signals can either be picked or misunderstood. It is not healthy when spouses deprive each other of verbal communication. Speaking out affirm signals. That’s if spouses still wish to use signals. Until spouses grow to a level where they know each other too well to understand each other’s non-verbal communication, it is advisable that verbal communication remains the first mode of communication. By all means, being physical should be discouraged. Physical abuse is not a mode of communication. It is simply abuse. In some marriages, physical abuse is used as a way of sending a message to the spouse. Regardless of the offense committed, spouses should never resort to being physical with each other. Sometimes, silence is used to try and communicate. This is a form of emotional abuse and mental torture. If spouses are unhappy about anything, they should speak it out. Silence is not part of communication. It is simply that; silence. It leaves the other spouse guessing what message is being communicated. When silence prolongs, matters escalate. Avoiding to discuss matters does not help but makes the situation worser than it should be.

Communication should be timely for it to be effective. Messages are only valid for a certain period of time. Messages lose their essence when not communicated on time. Communication can save lives and prevent human catastrophe. It can also help a couple to seize big investment opportunities. Where messages are timely communicated in marriage, they can help bring order and timely decisions. In homes, decisions are made on a daily basis. In marriage, decisions are not only made on a daily basis but made collectively. Spouses are required to agree on so many matters that concern them and the house. They also agree on matters concerning their future and family affairs. Sometimes spouses don’t have the privilege of being together to make decisions. Therefore, they have to depend on the effectiveness of their communication skills. Where there is physical distance, spouses are put to a test of communicating on time. Imagine a couple that wishes to purchase a property that’s on high demand; if they are not in the same town, whereby only one of them is available to make the purchase, agreeing on the property would require that the spouses appreciate the importance of communicating on time. Information changes with time and if not acted upon on time due to poor communication, golden opportunities can be lost. Timely communication is as important as the message itself.

No matter how spouses feel about any matter of concern, communication should always be done in a respectful manner. When there is no respect, the message is received with emotions. Consequently, the message is overshadowed by emotions. Communication can be done differently depending on who the receiver is. The mode of communication matters. In marriage, spouses should agree on how they should communicate to each other on different matters. There are matters that can be communicated through the phone while others require a face to face talk. Sensitive issues can be misunderstood when communicated through the phone. When spouses know each other’s tone, they add tones to the words as they read each other’s messages. Creating a rather not pleasing situation if the message carries the exchange of words. Sometimes the messages can be received with imaginations that do not necessarily portray the intention of the sender. Communicating feelings should be respectful and done in a sober manner, bearing in mind the relationship that exists with the receiver and what is expected of the sender. Spouses are obligated to respect each other. Therefore, in everything that is done, especially in communication, it should be done respectfully.

Effective communication is the bedrock of any successful relationship. It has the potential to build trust; prevent suspicion, misunderstanding, misinformation and can save a marriage. Spouses should be open, truthful, verbal, timely and respectful in their communication if they are to achieve effective communication. The knowledge that has been shared in this article is tried and tested. Marriage counseling sessions have revealed that the challenges between spouses in marriage usually stem from the lack of effective communication. Therefore, with this knowledge, it is hoped that you – the reader, will benefit much by implementing it.

About the Author

Chilando Kanyanta is a writer and speaker. His themes are Wisdom, Relationships, Purpose and Spiritual Inspiration. He has interests in Mental Health, Family Life, Discipleship and Personal Transformation.

Phone: +260 779 771 477

Email: chilandokanyanta@gmail.com

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The 21 Century Marriage; It’s Lapses and Recovery Options

The essence of marriage in the 21st Century has lost its glory and meaning. The dynamics of society have changed. The value that was placed on the sanctity of marriage has slowly degraded to a casual partnership devoid of commitment and respect. Young men and women both alike are challenged. They hardly know the purpose of marriage; its impact on society and the future generations. It is heartbreaking to observe what was a respected institution be deprived of its worthiness. The institution of marriage is under attack and needs young people who are sober to rescue it. There are certain elements that need to be breathed back into the institution if it must live again.

When the element of culture is removed from marriage, it becomes a shell without a york inside. This century has deprived marriages of culture being unaware that it is what gives an identity to a group of people and society at large. People should know who they are if they have to form marriages with an identity. Where marriages deprive culture of its place, they become nothing more than social partnerships where spouses do not have a clear picture of what it should be. Consequently, marriages have struggled to find an identity. Any union without identity risks adopting unhealthy ideas to what marriage should be. It should be realized that marriage is a very respectable union in society.

Marriage is the mother of every given community. It is the most important institution that must shape the communities in which people live. Communities are like forests. The future outlook of any forest is determined by the seeds that fall from the trees. Similarly, new marriages have much influence on the future of communities. The challenges of marriages spill over into communities. Over time, the failures of marriages are carried on by children to form a community that has a very unhealthy perception of the marriage institution. What this implies is that when marriages are healthy, communities are healthy and vice-versa. Everything that happens in communities reflects the state of marriages in it.

Therefore, there is a need for counselling children if we are to help rescue the future of marriages. There is a need to heal the young men and women from the emotional trauma experienced from homes with abusive marriages.

In Zambia, most people do not value counselling. Hence, when children leave abusive homes, they carry the pain into their marriage unions. There is a need to counsel children whose parents go through divorce; they need to be healed and form a healthy picture with regards marriage; they need to be taught that divorce is not normal; they need to be taught that abuse is not part of marriage; they need to be helped to forgive their parents; they need to be shown the perfect picture of a family from the Bible. Until this is done, a seed of abuse, divorce and hate remains in the grounds of the future. Most failed marriages can be traced back to parents.

There is a need for healthy marriages. Creating a very healthy environment for the children starts from home. If the environment is healthy, the children grow up healthy. A healthy environment does not adopt unhealthy vices. If the unhealthy vices such as abuse on both parties are left unchecked, children adopt abnormal behavioral patterns and amplify them in their own marriages. All forms of abuse must be checked; Emotional, Mental and Physical abuse must be cancelled. They have a destructive effect on children and their marriages in future.

Elements that attribute to abuse in marriage are quite many. However, the struggle for power in society trickles down to marriage. Husband and wife both want to take a lead. Most men feel they have lost their voice in marriage; they cannot feel respected anymore. Therefore, they are resorting to abusive ways of trying to retain their position. On the other end, women are fighting for recognition as equal partners in the institution of marriage. In trying to achieve this, the majority of women are getting financially empowered for selfish reasons.

The motive for marriage in men and women is different. Most men want to marry for companionship while women want to marry for many other reasons. The majority of women that have been interviewed have shown the following reasons for marriage: A need for settlement due to age; escape from poverty; the need to have children; escape from mockery. These are the most frequent responses that women give. A few sober reasons from women are that marriage is a wonderful idea for a family. Men on the other end do not marry for the foregoing reasons except for the idea of starting and building a family. Men usually marry for continuity of their name and to provide a heir to their works and achievements.

Young people must introspect and align their thoughts about marriage to God’s purpose. The marriages in this generation are arguably not for God. They carry the form of godliness but deny the power thereof. They associate with the Church but have a worldly format. Until couples live with each other according to biblical roles, and function within the parameters of scripture, those marriages are not of God. The idea of marriage is to depict Christ’s union with the Church. Christ is the groom and the church is the bride. The work of the groom is to nurture the bride so that she can be presented to God without wrinkles or spots. The role of the church is to submit to the leadership of Christ so that she can be perfected. This is what the spouses should remember to practice. Anything different from this picture is not of God.

Culture prescribes behaviors that are acceptable. It all starts from the grooming stage. This stage is the teenage and youth ages of growth. During these periods, young women and men should be found in the right environments where they are able to glean wisdom about life from the elderly people. Forefathers embraced circles and gatherings of elderly people. Their marriages are a testament of how well they were groomed. They knew who they were and what was expected from them. The young men sat around elderly men while the young women were glued to older women who had vast experience in human life. Through interactions, women grew up knowing who they were in society and how they needed to live their lives to maintain their dignity.

Men were taken to the bush to hunt. While in the bush they learnt survival skills and how much hard work it takes to be respected as a man. Young men knew that respect was commanded through hard work and being responsible enough to provide for their homes. Whenever they went to hunt, they were taught to return home with hands full of game meat for the family. At home, women sat to learn how to care for the home, ensure that everyone is properly fed, clothed and the home kept clean. When the man returned home, the woman received the game meat from his hands, welcomed him with a drink of water as she prepared water for his bath. While a man took his bath, the woman would be busy serving his meal. After the meal, the couple would sit together to talk about work in the field and activities at home.

The modern man has lost this position by allowing himself to roll back while allowing a woman to lead in important matters of the house. He is no longer the priest of the family. He has allowed the woman to have a strong relationship with God while he relaxes. This is contrary to the leadership structure of God for a family. According to Paul, Christ is the head, then the man and thereafter, the woman.1

The 21st Century man has given up many responsibilities – leaving the woman with no option but to take the lead. When men disconnect from Christ, women assume leadership in the home. Leadership for a man starts at a spiritual level. The loss of spiritual leadership can lead to many unwanted cases in the family. When Adam left his position, his wife took the lead and consequences that followed affected the whole world. The 21st Century man has lost his identity and has given the steering wheel to the woman. This has deprived future generations of male-leaders. The boy child and the young men are without role models. Consequently, some are now celebrating femininity and changing their gender. Fathers must rise up to the occasion to correct this abnormality. Otherwise the future of society is at a terrible risk. If it is left unattended, the world may experience the consequences of Adam’s lapses.

The modern woman on the other end is a competitor, a rival trying to prove that she can stand on her own. She cares less about the man because to her, a man is only useful for providing for the house. Now that she is empowered financially and can provide, she has reduced the significance of a man into a mere partner who she can replace with a good paying and sustaining job. The modern woman lives with the worldly idea that, “What a man can do, a woman can do”. She has lost her value by leaving her position in the home. Her value cannot be felt any more than it was in the 20th Century. This is the challenge men have in this generation. Reminding a woman to keep her position in the home is like snubbing her. The reaction that the modern woman gives to a reminder of keeping her place of value in the family and society is disheartening. It brings a realization that family foundations need to be rebuilt. According to Solomon, a woman’s wisdom is what builds a home.2

In the 20th Century, spouses complimented efforts and maintained respect for each other. Women were very much respected because of their role as a mother. They were not just mothers for their homes but for the entire community. They were also mothers to the men in society. Wherever there was a woman, there was a role model, a mother and a keeper of life. Women were responsible for grooming children and ensuring that they respected their fathers. The life of society was in the hands of women. They were admired for their big hearts to keep families regardless of which side they were on. No age was insignificant. Every woman was respected at any age. Women were taught to give respect to men, especially those that were married. There was no friendship between a married man and a woman. They were never seen in public drinking places. As respectable as they were, admired for their resilience, strength and wisdom to keep the home, they were never seen having friendlies with men. They were gems too rare to be common. They were admired for their ability to help shape a man; turning him into an respectable one. It was a taboo for a woman to expose certain parts of her body as she was a mother for all in the community.

To correct the society, culture must be amplified and its tenets respected. This should be a deliberate action possibly backed by the laws of Zambia. As a Christian Nation, Zambian law makers should take up the mandate to introduce laws that preserve the dignity of society and protect our cultures from further erosion. Culture forms traditions to follow in order to preserve the sanctity of human society. Traditions are systems that prescribe the process for doing anything. To a modern man and woman, tradition is unnecessary. But to the wise who wish to have respectable long lasting marriages, emphasizing culture in our homes is the only way to restore sanity in marriages, homes and communities.

About the Author

Chilando Kanyanta is a writer and speaker. His themes are Wisdom, Relationships, Purpose and Spiritual Inspiration. He has interests in Mental Health, Family Life, Discipleship and Personal Transformation.

Phone: +260 779 771 477

Email: chilandokanyanta@gmail.com

  1. Ephesians 5:22-24 ↩︎
  2. Proverbs 14:1 ↩︎